they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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