I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
