i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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