I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
