I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
