Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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