Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
