forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
