Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
