Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
