All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
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please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
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We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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