At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
