you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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