is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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