Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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