1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
