im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
