im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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