I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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