Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Randomize
