Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
