angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
