Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
