I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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