Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Randomize
