Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
