I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
