She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
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Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
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Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed