Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The 19 Creepiest Missing Person Cases
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"