Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
