take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
