Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
