I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
