I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
