i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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