There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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