Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
How does it feel to date your dad?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
