she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
