Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
