He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
