Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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