Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
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Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
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When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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