so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You're like the curious george of whores
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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