Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
