I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
