when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
