ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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