Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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