i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
