why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
