Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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