she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
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