i barfeds in our rink
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
