Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Randomize
