finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
