mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
