remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
