hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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