she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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