fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I enjoy the company of your penis
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
