I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I would fuck him just for his dog
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