I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
