i can't believe i had my finger in that
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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