hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
