he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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