dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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