...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
she pinky promised me she was 18
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
