honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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